I´ve never been more devoted to being myself. Unfortunately, this has brought me lot of disadvantages and one of them is to be a loner.
Few years ago, I was a complete different image from what I am now. Surrounded by friends, always with social activities, going to clubs, etc. Now I´m not a fifth of what I used to be in those years. I had my years of fun, getting drunk, and the regular things people do when they are young. But now, I don´t do that anymore, and I´m still young! But I don´t do it for one simple reason: it wasn´t me, it´s not me, and will never be me.
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But how do I know that I am better now than I was before?
Because if you had asked me before in those years, if I was totally happy with the way I was living my life, if I was doing what I always wanted to do, If I could feel that I could already die without regrets, mmm… the answer would had been a mess, it would had depended on the day I was, If it was a good day I would say, geez…I don´t know, if it was a bad day I would have started crying for sure.
If you ask me that now, good or bad day, I would say yes: I´m happy and I´m living the life I always wanted to live. Period.
The reason – I have accepted who I am: the bookworm, the girl who loves classical music and dislikes most trendy music, the nerd, the geek, the writer.
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I´ve been wondering why so many friends have grown so distant from me. My best friends are still there but it is not the same anymore, and it won´t ever be, because I´m not what I used to be. I´ve become too boring for them.
However, there is always this “however” in my posts. I don´t regret anything because for the first time I’m being myself and nothing else, not what others want me to be, not what family wants me to be, not what I think I should be in order to mingle with others. That´s the challenge, and I´m on my way to achieving it, how many people can say that?
No matter, how people around us think, what our society waits from us, how do we think we should be, the only ever existent challenge is to be ourselves and nothing more. And if the so called friends don’t like the truly me, then maybe it is time for letting them go and let other people come in, but without ever thinking in changing again.
And you, how truly are you? Have you invented and ´ideal you´ or are you just being the way you are meant to be, the REAL you?
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I´ve never felt more empowered, let me tell you how this happened:
I was discussing with my family about the reasons of why I had desisted to go to an end-of-the-year trip to Istanbul and Dubai (personal reasons nothing to do with the beauty of these cities which I will visit but in another opportunity) and why I should consider other possible destinations instead. I came with the same strong opinions from my family: why do I waste money on trips instead of saving to buy a house, a car, or anything? And I my answer was more or less like this one:
“Because I don´t want to get a loan to buy something that is going to torment me for years until I pay my debt. I don´t want to live like that, I want to be able to enjoy life as if I was going to die tomorrow. I don´t have personal obligations yet, children or other dependents and I want to be able to take advantage of that while I can.”
It was more or less like that, and it is not the first time I use a similar answer to the members of my family but to friends as well. It seems that I´m surrounded by what I call: “negative traveling souls” and I really hate that!
Then we discussed with my family about my way of thinking, etc., etc. and I won´t tell you the details but let’s say that my way of thinking is miles different from them.
But I felt empowered, because I love the way I am, and I feel so proud that I´m able to think like I do, even if I mistaken, because it just feels right in my heart. And at the end, it is all about being content with your heart, right? Would I be happy being a slave of my work knowing that I have to work for years in order to pay a mortgage? No, definitely no.
I don’t want to think that much in any financial difficulties that could come when I´m old (as my mother points out), because maybe I won´t get that far!!! And I know many of you will say “how irresponsible way of thinking”. But I think that I´m actually very realistic, I know life is a gift meant to be lived as it were the last you were going to receive, and that people is realistic!
I don´t dream of living forever, I don´t dream of saving until one day I become wealthy and then can travel the world. Even if you become wealthy with your savings in years from now, who guarantees that you´re going to be physical able to travel?.
I feel more real than ever, doing what I like, living how I want. How many people can say that? I feel empowered by accepting and being who I am…. Damn I feel so good!
Writing is about unveiling yourself. It is about taking out all the layers that surround you. A true writer digs into his heart and exposes everything. He leaves himself vulnerable.
The richness of words only come from honesty. Characters come from the most enchanted places and they are nurtured by the writer´s believes, hopes, and fears. When the writer writes, he submerges himself into a trance where ideas flow naturally, a small voice wakes in his mind telling him secrets of the story.
I write because it heals my soul, because it makes me honest, because it lets me be myself. I write because I free myself and reach a mind state where everything is possible. I dive into a land of power, because writers do have power, a mighty power that can touch readers’ hearts, speak to them, and convince them of whispers, voices, and feelings. There is nothing more fulfilling than this: to let yourself be enveloped into a world where you let your heart speak and touch others on the way.
And here I was lying on a bed waiting for the chiropractor to come in. My doctor had referred me to a physiotherapist, something about some column vertebrae in my neck joined together and the cause of some strange tinkling in my arms and hands. It was not the first time I was required to go to a physiotherapist, but this time, the intended physiotherapist was also a chiropractor.
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Good memories of Alan in ‘Two and a Half Men’ first came to my mind. But then, images of chiropractors making strange movements in people´s bodies, rustling bones sounding like they were about to break, and the idea of having somebody make a kung-fu movement-type on my neck was spine-chilling and terrifying. Images from movies of people dying while somebody broke their necks or somebody from behind twisting them to death, were not helpful as well. My main question was why of all places that a chiropractor could work on, it had to be my neck? What would happen if he twisted my neck that much? I´ve been afraid of surgeries and dentists, but never that much of a chiropractor.
You know, people would twist their fingers until they crack? Not me, never liked that, terrified as well. It seems I´m a complete coward when regarding to bones cracking and twisting.
So my first instinct on my first session was to tell the doctor: ‘You are not going to twist my head around until it cracks right?’. The doctor laughed a little bit and said ‘Why you don´t want that?´ I nodded nervously ‘Of course I don´t, I´m terrified of that’. He then added ‘‘We´ll see what happens with the first days, it won´t be that traumatic…’
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I think the chiropractor got conscious of my fear, and the first sessions have only been about massaging and applying electricity, no sudden twisting movements until now. The good news is that my muscles have yielded and I´m not that tense anymore. The bizarre tinkling in my arms and hands has almost disappeared. And it seems that the fear of having my neck twisted and cranked has caused all my symptoms to go. I´m not sure anymore if I will still need the creepy twisting, but I feel much relaxed now, and I have faith that if I still need to have my neck twisted in the right place, it won´t be that ‘traumatic’ anymore.
What I have concluded is the power of suggestion in my mind. It seems that my fear of a “kung-fu movement’ in my neck has made my mind send a signal to the rest of my body to make all symptoms disappear. Was that what happened? or did I just needed a couple of sessions of massages? I won´t never know, because the power of the mind is overwhelming.
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I was also experiencing some bizarre tingling in my face, but my head doctor said that it was mainly due to stress. I told him about my peaceful job and the point in my life where I was really satisfied with doing what I liked most. Seriously, this year has been fantastic for me, for the first time, I feel that I am on the correct path, doing what I like and in the direction of achieving my goals. So why would I be stressed? Additionally, as the loner I am, I don´t face problems with people, because I mainly don´t hang out that much with people. And truth to be told, life at home is quite nice. After watching the family disturbances in Game of Thrones, I believe my family situation is heavenly like.
But my head doctor said ‘Maybe it is being you that stresses you that much’. Both of us laughed at that remark, but it stuck in my mind. I later found out that it was actually true.
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The idea of arriving on time to meetings, of looking at the hours in my work, of knowing I have to commit myself to my writing goals every day, and even the idea that I should finish the novel I´m reading, stressed me. I found out that little things like hurrying to the drugstore to buy the doctor´s recipe and finding the place closed, stressed me a huge deal, because of the idea of having to return again and having precious time wasted.
When have I become so meticulous with time? Many times I have said that we have to make the most of every day, and I do that, but at the same time I can´t handle the idea of losing time doing nothing or doing something not productive. Maybe it is stressful to be myself.
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I believe all these realizations happen for a reason. And this is a wakeup call, to loosen myself a little bit more, to do some relaxing activities, maybe some sports, to not take things that serious. To find a balance again. After all, life is about challenging you all the time, isn´t it?.
There is no right point in life where everything is perfect and works well, let´s face it, it would be boring. Perfect people would not push any further, and they would be left stuck in their comfort zone. I love my new purpose of not being that stressed for being myself anymore. I´m hoping to get good outcomes of this and find myself towards a more relaxed path in the future. Believe me, everybody experiences stress, there is no perfect happy person stress-free person anywhere. And you, what stresses you in your life?
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